You are not alone

Happy Monday, folks! (I know, it’s always hard to say that with a straight face ;) ) I’m trying to rest up from a long but mostly awesome weekend. Our associate pastor, my husband, and I took the youth in our church skiing this past Saturday. I’m not as agile as I once was, so I’m sitting on a heating pad while typing this! It’s ok to laugh at me, I deserve it for thinking I can keep up with teenagers. 

Me and the Hubby going up the mountain!

So, we’re gonna take a bit of a hiatus today from my traditional crafting activities and go a little deeper. I’ve been struggling with a lot of big decisions lately and it’s really discouraging when it feels like no one understands what you’re going through and you’re alone. But, there is good news! I’m not alone. In fact, I’m never alone. I still remember the very first time I read this passage of scripture that really rocked the way I thought about God.

I was 17 and still fairly new to Christianity. My youth group had gone to see a Christian rock concert (It was either Kutlass or Pillar, sadly I can’t remember) and after the show, we went to go get the band members’ autographs. As one of the members was signing my paper, he stopped and looked up at me. I mean really looked at me, like he was given an order to memorize my face. He asked me, “Have you read Psalm 139?”

I was a little shocked. I hadn’t been expecting any of them actually notice me, much less talk to me. I replied and told him that I wasn’t sure. I knew we had gone over some Psalms but I couldn’t remember the specifics. He told me that I should read it again and wrote “Psalms 139” under his signature.

I was really excited about this. Some guy in an awesome and popular band had talked to me and even wanted me to read something. I was sure that God was giving me a message through that man. As soon as we got back on the bus, I dug around until I found a bible that someone had left. It smelled kind of funny and had obviously had something spilled all over it, but I was determined. I flipped through the sticky pages to the right Psalm and read:

Psalm 139

The All-Knowing, Ever-Present God

¹ Lord, You have searched me and known me. ² You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. ³ You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways. ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, Lord. ⁵ You have encircled me; You have placed Your hand on me. ⁶ This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

⁷ Where can I go to escape Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? ⁸ If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there. ⁹ If I live at the eastern horizon or settle at the western limits, ¹⁰ even there Your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me. ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will be night”— ¹² even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You.

¹³ For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. ¹⁵ My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶ Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.

¹⁷ God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is! ¹⁸ If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand; when I wake up, I am still with You.

¹⁹ God, if only You would kill the wicked— you bloodthirsty men, stay away from me— ²⁰ who invoke You deceitfully. Your enemies swear by You falsely. ²¹ Lord, don’t I hate those who hate You, and detest those who rebel against You? ²² I hate them with extreme hatred; I consider them my enemies.

²³ Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way.

By the time I had finished I was so filled with grief that all of the excitement and fun of that night felt like a distant memory. 

God knew me.

He knew everything I had done.

Everything.

I was so ashamed. I had so many things going on in my life that shouldn’t have been there. I felt like there was more deception in my life than truth. And God knew it. I might have been able to hide it from everyone else, but not from God. I felt like I had just received the biggest “I’m disappointed in you,” speech of my life. I knew something had to change.

The next day I kept going over in my head how badly I felt the night before and what I could do to not be that way anymore. I didn’t know where to begin. None of my friends at school were really into acting like Christians, even the ones that said that they went to church, so I didn’t have any help there. I was too embarrassed to ask any of my family or church leadership for help. I felt all alone. So, I went back to Psalm 139 and braced myself for another round of conviction and grief

.

The grief didn’t come.

I read the passage again. Nothing. And again. Still no pain. Again. And Again. And Again. And it finally dawned on me.

God knew me.

He knew everything I had done.

Everything

Yet, he still loved me and never left my side!

Yes, he was there and saw me fall. A lot. But, he was there to pick me back up and dust me off.  

"Your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me."

He was always there holding me when I needed comfort, or carrying me when my legs couldn’t bear my weight any longer. It went from being the most discouraging thing I ever read, to being the most encouraging piece of scripture I had ever come across.

Now, almost 10 years later, I still find myself going back to Psalm 139. Yes, it still reminds me that I can’t hide my failings and short-comings from God but, despite that, He will never leave me. He will always be there. No matter how big the storms in my life may get, my God is bigger and will lead me though and carry me when I can’t go on.

In Christ,

Britt

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